You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
