Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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