I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We need a shit load of segways right now
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
