i jhust puked up my retainher.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
