He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
