I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
