shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
