i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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