i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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