sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
