i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
