I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
