My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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