Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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