just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
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Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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