I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
