im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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