headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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