So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
