i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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