apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
