are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
