I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
