I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
