I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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