Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
