Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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