Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
