I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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