so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
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