what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just pee around me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
