Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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