I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
