Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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