i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
