Just fell off a train. Bad.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
