1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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