its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
