I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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