you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
