you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
