Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
