1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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