He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
