Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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