By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
