why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
