got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Send help, water and tortillas.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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