I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
