she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
