I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
