And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
