I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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